Thursday, August 04, 2005

Trying to stay strong

A dear friend of mine has lung cancer. She recently began her radiation and chemotherapy treatments at the MD Anderson Cancer Center here in Houston, TX. It's so difficult to see such a strong and overall healthy person, diminish into what they used to be. Her spirit, her laugh, her smile, and her will to live, are all still there - but her strenght is giving away. She offered me a muffin today, and if this had been any other day - she would have swallowed that muffin whole. The way she was sitting in front of her computer today, it was as if the computer was working on her, instead of the other way around. She's trying so hard to not be cranky and moody, that it feels to me that she's really just letting go. It really pisses me off when bad things happen to WONDERFUL people; especially wonderful people that I happen to love.

She has showed me a whole new way of looking at life - without us knowing that she would have to take her own advice soon after.
This person has helped me out when I thought no one could. She has lifted my spirits with such small gestures, and I can't even seem to bring myself up to talk to her about her disease. I don't know what to say except "I'm sorry," and to me that's so useless - it's a useless waste of two words. Yes, I am sorry for what she's going through. I feel like if I tell her "I'm sorry," I really have no words to tell her. I really feel like saying, "you know, it sucks that you're sick" and "it sucks that to make you healthy again, you have to feel like shit for a few months." How insensitive is that? I'm angry, I'm sad, and most of all, I am sorry - but, I can't tell her this, can I?


Cibby said...

You know, on the other hand, she may find the honesty refreshing. I bet a lot of people give her polite. Maybe if you just say "It sucks that you're sick!" it might make her feel better.

Hugs and thoughts for you, sweetie. I hate hearing about your friend. You guys are both in my thoughts.

Jenn said...

I also think you should tell her. She already knows you and your intention, so she might even get a little smirky with it, which could be good. It's awful that people have to go through such things, but with great people around them, maybe it won't be so difficult.